I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
