Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
