someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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