yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
