hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
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Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
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Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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