it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
