this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
