ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
