she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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