I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
