My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
