You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
