remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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