i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
