alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
