Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
