Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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