she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
