my room smells like sperm. sweet.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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