Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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