I will die if light touches me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
