I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
