im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
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If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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