I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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