wanna go halves on a baby?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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