The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
