new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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