and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize