I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
