i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
