Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
