you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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