the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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