Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
