Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
