if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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