we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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