party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
