hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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