remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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