You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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