i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
