Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
