When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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