There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
