I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
