i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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