Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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