i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
