paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
