i love accidental penises.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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