Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
