I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
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Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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