sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
we have pet lesbian snakes
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
