someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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