Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
