I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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