Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
