i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
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i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
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Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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